I would love to take credit for writing this, but it was in our local paper, the Pasadena Star News, a couple of weeks ago under the heading “Slice of Wry.”
Preparing for a Ski Trip:
- Stretch a small, but wide, rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Place a small, but angular, pebble in your shoes. Line them with crushed ice and tighten a c-clamp around your toes.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Sporadically drop things.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at a high speed.
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Fill a blender with ice, leave the lid off, put your face over the opening and hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts.
- Put on as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Repeat often.
- Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18-wheeler.
- Go to a fast-food establishment and “insist” on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line!
- Buy a new pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill.
Repeat all of the above daily until it’s time for the real thing!